Understanding the Intersection of Perfectionism and Anxiety
You are tired of feeling the need to get everything perfect or just right. You are stressed if you miss a workout, feel not good enough if you get 97% on an exam, redo your work project over and over again or stay in your comfort zone to avoid failing or feeling embarrassed. You are driven with laser focus at work, school or sports, feeling pressure to perform the best. It causes stress in your relationships, like when your partner doesn’t wash the food off the plates and load the dishwasher the ‘right way’ and you end up doing it over, taking away time you could be relaxing. You are starting to burnout out from doing all the things and you are fighting with your partner who feels like they are failing and can’t do anything right when they try to help. Yet you long to accept good enough, to no longer care what others think and to no longer feel anxious. You want to feel confident, relaxed and happy, to enjoy life and your relationships with playfulness and ease.
We live in a highly competitive and fast-paced world where self-discipline, emotional and cognitive control, and organization are highly valued. These qualities are crucial for our academic, professional, and personal success. However, when taken to an extreme, they can cause us to establish unrealistically high standards for ourselves (and others), be overly self-critical, or fear making mistakes. This is perfectionism, which also manifests in an all-or-nothing attitude towards tasks, feelings of guilt, inadequacy, fear of failure, disapproval, and permanent anxiety.
Our therapists, psychologist and counsellors at Williamson & Associates are dedicated to helping people overcome perfectionism and start a path to mental and emotional freedom.
Exploring Perfectionism and Anxiety
Defining Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a complex personality trait involving a relentless pursuit of flawlessness and setting unrealistic standards for oneself. It frequently involves self-criticism and can impact all facets of life, including academic achievement, professional success, interpersonal relationships, and health and well-being.
Setting unattainable standards may lead to persistent feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt as the gap between your expectations and reality widens. This continuous cycle of striving and perceived failure fuels a deep sense of dissatisfaction and inadequacy.
Understanding the Link to Anxiety
Striving for perfection can push you to aim for unrealistic goals, triggering stress and anxiety. You may continuously worry that anything less than perfect would disappoint your partner, parents, boss, or friends, endangering your relationships or work chances. This pressure to match an impossible ideal makes you spend too much time studying, working, or exercising, neglecting sleep and social contacts, and increasing loneliness and anxiety.
How Perfectionism Develops
Perfectionism develops as a protection to feel safe and accepted to avoid experiences of rejection, abandonment, criticism, conflict or not being in control. Adults who see themselves as perfectionists often went through difficult experiences when they were younger, such as abandonment or neglect from parents, rejection from peers, or criticism in school or sports. However, perfectionism can lead to feeling even more alone, tired, and unsure of themselves.
Exploring Different Styles of Perfectionism
Self-Oriented Perfectionism
Involves setting extremely high standards for oneself and striving relentlessly to meet them. Individuals with self-oriented perfectionism often have an intense fear of failure and may engage in constant self-criticism. They feel driven to achieve flawlessness in all aspects of their lives, from work and academics to personal relationships and hobbies. Any deviation from their ideal standards can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.
Socially-Prescribed Perfectionism
This style of perfectionism is characterized by the belief that others expect nothing less than perfection. People with socially-prescribed perfectionism feel immense pressure to live up to the standards set by their peers, family, or society at large. They may fear judgment, rejection, or criticism if they fail to meet these expectations. As a result, they often experience chronic stress, self-doubt, and a constant need for validation from others.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism
In this style, individuals impose their high standards and expectations onto others. They may be critical and demanding of those around them, seeking perfection not only in themselves but also in their friends, family, or colleagues. Other-oriented perfectionists may struggle with control issues and have difficulty accepting others' flaws or mistakes. This can strain relationships and create tension in social interactions as others may feel judged or inadequate in their presence.
Identifying Perfectionistic Thought Patterns
Many of us set high expectations for ourselves, believing that we must live up to such standards and not let ourselves or others down. We understand how difficult it is to break negative thinking patterns that fuel perfectionism. You may think in all-or-nothing terms, magnifying your flaws and blowing minor errors out of proportion. Or you may have an exaggerated fear of failure, where the possibility of not meeting standards is catastrophic. These cognitive distortions make anxiety worse because they support unrealistic standards and expectations, leading to self-limiting beliefs and unhealthy ways of coping, like avoidance or procrastination.
Challenges of Perfectionism and Anxiety
Impact on Mental Health
Perfectionism and anxiety can lead to increased levels of stress and a heightened risk of anxiety disorders, depression, and burnout. This relentless pursuit of impeccability can trap you in a chronic cycle of self-criticism and negative self-evaluation, exacerbating symptoms of anxiety and challenging your resilience.
Interference with Daily Functioning
Perfectionism and anxiety can impair your productivity and diminish your overall quality of life. You may struggle academically or professionally because the fear of making mistakes can paralyze your decision-making. Also, having unrealistic expectations from others may hinder your relationships through unrealistic expectations and prevent you from taking risks, stifling your personal growth.
Strategies for Coping and Overcoming Perfectionism
1. Developing Self-Compassion
Noticing your inner critic has served to protect you and keep you safe can help you soften the inner critic. When you start beating yourself up for not meeting expectations, you might think about what you would tell your best friend. Instead of berating yourself for every mistake, showing yourself love and compassion.
To cultivate a more compassionate self-view, practice treating yourself with kindness and understanding through mindfulness practices, self-care routines, and positive self-affirmations.
2. The Good Enough Principle
Start to consider the principle of good enough. The idea of "good enough" is useful when it comes to figuring out what's important and dealing with the stress of not doing everything perfectly. It helps you be more flexible and accept things as they are. Instead of feeling like a failure or not good enough, you might view mistakes or imperfections as opportunities for growth. You could consider focusing on the positives you've accomplished and the lessons learned, even if everything didn't go according to plan.
3. Pause
Consider pausing to check in with yourself before making a commitment or saying yes to something. Pause throughout your day to check in with how you are feeling in your emotions and body. You might be used to pushing through tasks but start to pay attention to if your body needs a break, walk, drink or something to eat. Consider giving yourself permission to pause throughout your tasks and day to incorporate play, dancing to a song or laughing at your favourite videos.
4. Examining Perfectionistic Beliefs
You can start to examine your thought patterns to overcome perfectionism-related anxiety to figure out where these patterns come from and where they show up the most in your life. You might think about the good and bad sides of using these strategies. To notice if you're being a perfectionist, ask yourself: Do I expect things to be just right at work and home? Do I tend to be more of a perfectionist with some people than others? Are there any areas where I'm more relaxed and don't need everything to be perfect?
4. Seeking Professional Support
When the interplay of perfectionism and anxiety hinders your well-being, happiness, and progress, seeking professional support for perfectionism and anxiety can help.
Evidence-based treatments like acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), along with innovative approaches such as EMDR and somatic experiencing, provide essential tools and strategies for addressing the core issues of perfectionism-related anxiety, building resilience, and fostering healthier coping mechanisms.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) whether Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT), Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) or Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT)is particularly effective in identifying and changing unhealthy ways of thinking about and interacting with emotions. It also helps build emotional resilience, assisting individuals to manage perfectionism and anxiety.
Perfectionism and Anxiety Counselling in Olds, Alberta
The complex interplay between perfectionism and anxiety highlights the importance of acknowledging and addressing this complex relationship.
With professional support and guidance from Williamson & Associates’ therapists, you will better understand yourself and learn to treat yourself compassionately. Counselling can help you identify the source of your perfectionism and how it affects your life, allowing you to begin replacing self-destructive habits with more constructive ones.
If you want to navigate perfectionism-related anxiety and cultivate a healthier, more compassionate mindset, book a session or consultation here.