Do you often feel alone in your marriage, carrying the weight of responsibilities and feeling resentful? Maybe you’re frustrated, sensing that you’re putting far more effort into the relationship and handling all the day-to-day tasks. Do you experience constant communication challenges and inconsistent attention that leave you exhausted and wondering if your partner truly understands or cares about your needs? This emotional rollercoaster often comes with ADHD.

If you have ADHD, you might really want to contribute more to your relationship but struggle with distractions, forgetfulness, or routines. This can leave you feeling frustrated or even guilty, especially if your partner seems disappointed or overwhelmed by taking on extra responsibilities. It’s a challenging cycle, but you’re not alone, and there are ways to break this pattern.

ADHD, Marriage and Relationships

Marriages are complex, and when ADHD is part of the mix, it adds another layer of complexity. You might come into therapy feeling burned out, wondering, “Will this ever get better?”

If you’re the partner without ADHD, the relationship may feel like a whirlwind—exciting at times, yet exhausting. You might love the spontaneity but struggle with the lack of structure and feel increasingly resentful. Over time, the disappointment of unmet goals and unfinished tasks can build up, leaving you questioning, “Where are you? Do I matter to you? How can you forget so easily?” This can lead to frustration, even anger, as you feel invisible, unheard, or unimportant. Sometimes, the louder you get, trying to make yourself seen and heard, the more your ADHD partner shuts down, becoming unresponsive or numbing out to escape the blame.

If you’re a partner with ADHD, you might feel like your enthusiasm and creativity are constantly being held back. You may sense that your partner sees you as a burden or as someone who just can’t get it right. Decades of struggle with “simple” tasks that others handle easily can weigh you down, bringing up feelings of shame, inadequacy, and a fear of failure. Criticism hits deeply because you’ve been hearing it your whole life—“you’re lazy,” “you’re careless”—and that pain often goes unseen. As a result, you might withdraw, get defensive, or feel the need to protect yourself with anger.

Both of you feel misunderstood, and the cycle continues. Therapy can help break this cycle so each of you feels valued, heard, and connected again. At Williamson & Associates Counselling in Olds, Alberta, EFT for couples helps partners reconnect and address the unique challenges ADHD can bring into a relationship.

Understanding ADHD

ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, characterized by distractibility, impulsiveness, forgetfulness, difficulty focusing and concentrating, disorganization, difficulty prioritizing, difficulty thinking ahead, trouble multitasking, and hyperactivity. Neurodiverse people show differences in learning and thinking that can affect many aspects of daily life, including relationships.

Those with the "H" in ADHD (though not everyone has this hyperactivity component) may experience pronounced physical restlessness, impulsivity, excessive talking, difficulty engaging in quiet activities, and emotional reactivity or quick frustration and anger. The constant need for activity can cause interruptions, risk-taking, and social difficulties. While those without hyperactivity may experience restlessness, emotional reactivity, and impulsivity, these symptoms are usually less intense and often internalized.

Neurodiverse individuals, including those with ADHD, often show differences in learning, thinking, and emotional regulation that can impact various aspects of daily life, including relationships.

Strengths of an ADHD Partner

ADHD is not something that is bad, broken, or wrong; it’s not your fault. Your brain works differently. The prefrontal cortex in individuals with ADHD functions differently than in those without ADHD. This difference often brings qualities like creativity, energy, vitality, spontaneity, and a tendency not to hold grudges (usually because they simply don’t dwell on things for long).

The Impact of ADHD on Marriage and Relationships

Inconsistent Attention: Hyperfocus vs. Inattention

If your partner has ADHD, you probably know what we're talking about. At the beginning of a relationship, they may intensely focus on you and your relationship. This hyperfocus creates a passionate relationship where you feel genuinely validated, valued, and cherished. However, as the relationship progresses, they may struggle to maintain this intense level of attention, suddenly seeming distant or occupied with everything else but you. This sudden shift can cause you to feel ignored or abandoned.

Dr. Hallowel, who specializes in ADHD, explains that it is not truly a deficit of attention but rather a matter of inconsistent attention. A person with ADHD can be highly attentive and focused when something is engaging or stimulating. This is why, at the beginning of a relationship—when everything feels new and exciting and chemicals like oxytocin, adrenaline, and dopamine are high—there’s often intense hyperfocus on the partner and relationship.

Melissa Orlov, an expert in ADHD and relationships, calls this the "hyperfocused courtship" or "hyperfocused romance," explaining how it’s often followed by a drop in attention. In the early stages of a relationship, people with ADHD may hyperfocus on their partner due to a surge in dopamine, the brain's "feel-good" chemical that makes everything feel exciting and new. However, as the relationship progresses and the novelty wears off, the brain's extra supply of dopamine plummets. This extreme drop in dopamine levels may cause the ADHD partner to feel more easily distracted and less engaged in a relationship. Over time, as the relationship becomes more familiar and levels of oxytocin, adrenaline, dopamine, and infatuation naturally decrease, the non-ADHD partner may start to wonder, “Where did you go?” or feel, “I don’t matter to you.” They may feel frustrated, thinking, “You’re so preoccupied with other things, and I can’t seem to hold your attention anymore.”

Memory: Forgetfulness

Another common challenge for couples affected by ADHD is memory or forgetfulness. The ADHD partner may genuinely forget important dates, tasks, or conversations. While their forgetfulness is unintentional, it can come across as indifference. If you have ADHD, your partner may need to constantly remind you of important dates, promises, and responsibilities. Even though you want to commit, you may forget to follow through. Forgetfulness, lack of organization, and missed commitments can create tension, making your partner feel neglected and disrespected.

With children in the mix, your partner’s forgetfulness can feel even more challenging, leaving you, the non-ADHD partner, feeling as though you have to manage everything alone. This lack of reliability and consistency can lead to frustration, sparking a cycle of anger where one partner pursues while the other withdraws—or both pursue in frustration. Everyday issues like forgetting to turn off the stove or getting distracted and burning pans add to the strain, intensifying the cycle.

Lack of Care

Many non-ADHD partners may think along these lines: “I tell you things repeatedly, and each time, you give signals that you understand—yet you don’t follow through, making me feel like you just don’t care. I find it hard to believe this is your ADHD because you remember other things, so it feels personal like I don’t matter to you. It’s incredibly frustrating.” But in truth, it’s not about a lack of caring at all. ADHD symptoms can unintentionally send messages that say, “You’re forgettable” or “I don’t care,” even though that’s far from reality.

With ADHD, the harder you try, the more the prefrontal cortex seems to work against you as if your brain freezes under pressure. It’s like working four times as hard as everyone else, which can be utterly exhausting. The information doesn’t stick, brain fog sets in, and it feels as though nothing important makes it into your memory—despite how much you want to remember it. It’s a struggle that’s both frustrating and disheartening.

Lack of Emotional Presence

Emotional presence is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. If you have ADHD, you may find it challenging to be fully present in the moment. You might often feel mentally pulled in different directions, appearing emotionally distant, as if you're never truly connecting on a deeper level. This can leave your spouse feeling emotionally unsupported and resentful.

How Couples EFCT Counselling Can Help Couples Affected by ADHD

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps partners reconnect by focusing on emotional responses and interactions. An EFCT therapist will guide you through slowing down the communication process in your relationship to help you recognize and understand your patterns that keep you feeling disconnected and stuck as a couple. This is especially valuable when you're navigating ADHD as a couple.

Organizing Emotion

People with ADHD may have strong emotions that others don’t always understand. EFCT helps you slow down to identify and organize these feelings. This process makes it easier to explain your emotions to your partner and shows them where these feelings come from. EFCT also helps you recognize when you mentally “disappear” in your automatic chase for the next thing, making you more aware of how this affects your relationship. Your partner can witness this process during counselling, which helps them understand you better.

So, if you're a partner with ADHD, you might think, "It’s so hard to be me. I wrestle with these challenges daily, and I see how hard it is for you, too. This struggle is painful and difficult to talk about." Being the one who forgets or gets distracted is challenging, mainly when it affects your relationship. In couples therapy, we help partners with ADHD explore how their behaviours and symptoms show up in the relationship—both in actions and in the emotional toll. This understanding allows couples to bond, be vulnerable, and work together to create supportive solutions for their daily lives. It’s easier to do this in a safe, non-critical space, as blame or shame can deepen hurt and defensiveness on both sides.

In these relationships, it’s common to fall into a blame cycle, but both partners need to take responsibility for their roles in this dynamic. The non-ADHD partner may feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed, and learning to express those feelings without blame is key. Communicating hurt or frustration constructively, without anger, helps them feel heard and prevents further escalation. Educating oneself about ADHD and learning new ways to communicate is a valuable step that brings understanding and empathy.

For the partner with ADHD, taking ownership of managing their symptoms is essential. They are the only ones who can address these challenges, which may feel overwhelming to both partners. Seeking professional support shows commitment, communicating, "You matter to me, and I take this seriously." Part of this journey includes owning the impact of ADHD symptoms, working to gain control, and reclaiming a sense of self. Embracing treatment is not only about improving the relationship but also about becoming the best version of themselves and reducing the burden of living under the cloud of unmanaged ADHD.

Couples can be intentional about their goals for a healthy, balanced life together in therapy. By openly discussing each partner’s needs and committing to growth, couples can create a relationship that thrives even amidst the challenges of ADHD.

Hope for Couples Affected by ADHD

Externalizing the Problem

The non-ADHD partner often feels overwhelmed and resentful, while the ADHD partner may experience deep shame or guilt about their perceived challenges. EFCT helps you externalize the problem and understand the underlying pain on both sides. This means that instead of seeing ADHD as an individual challenge, you learn to view it as an external issue that affects both of you without assigning blame. By doing this, you can approach ADHD as a team.

Creating Emotional Safety

One of the fundamental principles of EFT is creating emotional safety between partners. When you deal with ADHD in the marriage, this means understanding that forgetfulness or distractibility isn't a sign of indifference or lack of care. EFCT therapists will help you identify and express your primary emotions, such as feeling hurt, lonely, or disconnected, instead of reacting with anger or frustration. By uncovering these deeper emotions, you can begin to repair and strengthen their bond.

Strengthening Emotional Connection

EFCT focuses on strengthening the emotional connection between partners. You will learn to recognize your emotional patterns and understand how ADHD-related behaviours affect your relationship. For instance, an EFT therapist may help the non-ADHD partner realize that their frustration stems from feeling emotionally neglected. In contrast, the ADHD partner may come to understand how their behaviour is rooted in feeling overwhelmed by managing everyday tasks.

Overcoming ADHD Challenges with Couples Counseling at Williamson & Associates

ADHD can introduce unique challenges into a marriage. Still, with the help of EFCT, couples can learn to slow down, tune into their emotions, and express their needs in a way that invites connection rather than conflict.

If you and your partner are struggling with the effects of ADHD, contact us today to learn how EFCT can help transform your relationship.

ADHD and Marriage: How EFT Couples Counselling Can Help Couples Affected by ADHD

ADHD, Marriage and Relationships