It's completely normal to have a reduced interest in sex now and then. Our libido changes as we go through different phases in life and our relationships. However, for some people, especially women, various reasons can contribute to a long-term decrease in desire, which can impact their relationships and well-being.

What Drives Our Sex Drive?

Dr. Laurie Watson, a marriage counsellor, emotionally focused couples therapist and certified sex therapist, explains that our motivation for sex typically stems from four sources:

Intimacy: We have sex to connect emotionally and physically with a partner.
Pleasure: Intimacy helps us to enjoy the physical sensations and shared enjoyment of sexual experiences.

These motivations are typical in securely attached individuals and couples. But there are two other motives:

Approval: Some women seek validation through sex, to feel attractive, desirable, and worthy in the eyes of a partner.
Mood regulation: We may use sexual activities as an emotional regulator to manage stress, lift a bad mood, or feel comforted.

Common Challenges in Sexual Desire for Women

Female pleasure is complex and typically requires more time to achieve than male pleasure. When a partner does not take the time to understand what a woman wants during sex, or a woman does not know her sexual needs it can lead a woman to withdraw and avoid intimacy. In hook-up culture, where there is often sex with limited intimacy and connection, it can leave both partners feeling unsatisfied.

For some women, once a relationship feels secure, they may experience less desire, especially if they didn't truly enjoy it to begin with. Your interest in sex can shift depending on how tired or stressed you are if you're feeling under the weather or when you and your partner are arguing a lot. Or, maybe it is due to past abuse, affairs, perinatal anxiety or depression, life transitions, trauma, PTSD, self-consciousness around body image, or mixed messages about sex women receive from the earliest age.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) at Williamson & Associates Counselling in Alberta can provide a supportive space to explore these shifts in desire, helping each partner understand the underlying motivations for sex.

Understanding the Sexual Attachment Cycle

Dr. Watson explains that a committed relationship typically runs on two cycles; one of them is "the emotional attachment cycle, and the other is the sexual attachment cycle." When partners feel emotionally close, intimacy flows more easily, creating a positive cycle where both feel fulfilled and desired. The sexual attachment cycle is a dance where emotional security fuels physical intimacy and the other way around. When both partners feel safe and valued, they naturally enjoy a satisfying, connected sex life. But when there is a difference in sexual needs and motives, one partner usually feels unfulfilled or anxious. In contrast, the other feels disconnected and resentful. It often creates a cycle of pursuing and withdrawing, where one seeks reassurance and connection through sex while the other distances themselves as they feel resentful or not emotionally connected, leading the other to feel undesired and rejected.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) at Williamson & Associates Counselling in Alberta can help couples break this pattern by fostering open communication about their needs and fears to build trust and reconnect emotionally and sexually.

Reclaiming Your Erotic Self

Sometimes sex can be a way to strengthen your relationship and feel secure by giving your partner the best sex so they won’t want to go anywhere else. But once you commit to each other, maybe through marriage, you might feel secure in your relationship, and your interest in sex can fade, as you never really enjoyed it anyway, especially if you've been more about pleasing your partner than enjoying it yourself. Dr. Laurie Watson describes the importance of women reclaiming their sexuality by finding their erotic self, to craft a sexual experience that is pleasurable and intimate with their partner.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) at Williamson & Associates Counselling in Alberta can help you reconnect with your own "erotic self"—the part that connects with your pleasure and intimacy. By building trust and emotional safety, EFT couples counselling can help you connect with yourself and your relationship to enjoy intimacy in a way that feels satisfying.

How Trauma Affects Sexual Connection?

If you carry trauma, this can make it challenging to stay present and connected to your body to know what you need sexually. Trauma stored in the body can make intimacy feel overwhelming and unsafe, leading to a painful cycle of withdrawing, and struggling with vulnerability, as your need for connection conflicts with a deep-seated sense of danger or disconnection from your body, making it difficult to relax and experience pleasure.

We all need a physical connection to thrive. However, unprocessed trauma may lead you to feel disconnected and uncertain of your needs and desires.

Anxiety, Body Image and Sexual Desire

Anxiety can also interfere with arousal, especially when women are self-conscious about body image. Body self-consciousness and anxiety can negatively impact your sexual desire and arousal, as self criticism, body judgement, and anxiety hinders your ability to relax and feel safe to experience pleasure.

Arousal and anxiety can not exist together. It isn't easy to feel comfortable, open and playful to sexual intimacy when self-critical thoughts and anxiety take over. Instead, you might hold back and protect yourself by not letting your partner see you undressed or turn down their advances for physical and sexual intimacy.

Woman and Desire: How To Rediscover Passion, Arousal and Intimacy Through EFT Couples Counselling

When it comes to female pleasure, things can get complicated. Each woman is unique in her needs, desires, and the journey she takes to truly feel aroused and satisfied. Unlike men, women often take time to reach orgasm—around 40 minutes, in fact, with 20 minutes spent just getting relaxed and present, and another 20 minutes of stimulation to fully reach that peak. This difference stems from a variety of factors, not least of which is the limited role of testosterone in female arousal.

Given that only about 15% of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone, there’s often a learning curve for partners to understand each other’s needs. This is especially true in less committed relationships, where a partner might not be as motivated to explore and patiently understand what brings her true pleasure. Without that time and connection, women may find the experience unsatisfying, and they might hesitate to express what they truly need, leaving both partners unsatisfied.

Reframing Intimacy: Trusting Your Desire and Embracing Connection

Most men aren’t just looking for a physical release; they’re seeking closeness—a secure, shared experience where both partners feel open and connected. Many men genuinely want their partner to experience pleasure and satisfaction, too. When sex feels one-sided or disconnected, it can leave them feeling less satisfied as if their partner is just going through the motions.

For many women, desire works differently. Arousal doesn’t always spark at the beginning; it often builds over time. In fact, most women don’t feel fully aroused until they’re already well into the experience, sometimes close to orgasm. It’s about learning to trust your body and allowing the arousal to unfold in its own time.

You don’t need to wait until you feel a strong desire to begin intimacy. Unlike men, who often feel ready due to their testosterone-driven arousal, women may find that desire and arousal build as the experience deepens. Trusting that your body will respond can be incredibly freeing. You don’t need to be “ready” and aroused at the outset; entering the experience without full arousal is completely normal.

Turning Down the Inner Critic

One of the biggest challenges is silencing the inner critic—the voice that reminds you of unfinished tasks, the pressure to perform, or the self-doubt about how your partner sees you. Stepping into intimacy requires a gentle quieting of that critic. When you feel truly wanted and loved by your partner, just as you are, it’s easier to relax and embrace the experience. Open communication about what you want, what feels good, and even what makes sex more desirable and worth it to you is key. It’s about allowing yourself to enjoy the experience—not just to satisfy your partner, but to nurture your pleasure too and your intimacy together.

Creating Intentional Moments of Intimacy

Dr. Laurie Watson recommends curating an evening just for the two of you, whether it’s a drink on the patio, dancing together in the living room, or simply saying, “I want to be close tonight.” These small but intentional gestures can lead to a richer, more satisfying experience.

Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about reaching orgasm. Dr. Laurie Watson shares there are countless ways to feel close and connected—taking a shower together, cuddling, sharing a sensual massage, or exploring different kinds of touch. Expanding your idea of intimacy can bring you closer and help you both feel deeply connected, without any pressure on performance.

Women and Desire: How EFT Couples Counselling in Alberta Can Help Women Rediscover Passion, Arousal, and Intimacy

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps break negative sexual cycles by addressing the emotions and needs at their core. In emotionally focused couples counselling, couples learn to communicate openly so both partners feel understood. For example, in the pursuer-withdrawer sexual attachment cycle, while one partner might initiate sex, seeking reassurance, the other may need emotional closeness first to feel open to sexual intimacy. Emotionally focused couples counselling helps both "pursuers" and "withdrawers" understand each other's needs and see that different responses to intimacy are normal. Through this understanding, you can de-escalate negative cycles that can lead to feeling rejected and alone, to instead build a more secure, emotionally connected bond, creating a vibrant sexual life.

At Williamson & Associates Counselling in Olds, Alberta and online across Alberta, we’re here to support you in rediscovering your desire and reconnecting with a fulfilling sense of well-being. Contact us today for a free consultation.

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Women and Desire: Rediscover Passion, Arousal, and Intimacy Through EFT Couples Counselling in Alberta

What Drives Our Sex Drive?

Common Challenges in Sexual Desire for Women